Have you ever flown on an airplane you DUMBASS!

I have the fortunate, or maybe unfortunate, depending on your point of view, job that entails flying all across the country. Last year I logged just over 50k miles in 6 months of travel. My pad is basically a storage unit half the year. My fish though, is quite happy to see me when I've been gone on a 2-3wk straight stretch. He's an Oscar, so I just dump a bunch of goldies in for him to feast on.

Now, we must all have heard these days that flying can be a chore, what with security checks, lines, delays, etc. I would like to present a few ideas, ones I follow all the time, that make my travels easier. If we all did it, we'd all be happier at the airport.

Number One: Remove all metal BEFORE you get to the security line. Please don't wear overalls to the airport, unless you are wearing shorts beneath and you plan on removing them before you go through security. Please, women, do not wear your fancy metal buckle belt that takes you a minute just to remove because it gets stuck in the loops of your too tight low riding jeans. It never ceases to amaze me the number of people that get stopped at security because of what they are wearing, holding up the line while they TSA person tries to get them to walk through again and again before giving them the wand. Personally, I want to give these people the finger. A simple rule, remove all your fucking metal BEFORE you get into the security line. It's not a damn fashion show. I have yet to see the person who is not carrying SOME type of bag they could have put these things in beforehand. Almost everyone carries a laptop in a bag. USE IT to stow that shit!

Number Two: Print out your boarding pass from home BEFORE you get to the airport. Most every airport has these neat little computerized gizmos that, if you printed your boarding pass out ahead of time, you can simply scan it and use the touchscreen and check your bags very easily. Unfortunately, in 2008, we still have a lot of people who use their computer for nothing more than checking their goddamn AOL mail and reading news on MSNBC like it's gospel. These bastards will walk up to the kiosk, and fumble around touching things with no idea what to do, digging out their documents that should have been ready ahead of time, delaying everyone behind them. Have your documents out and ready, and if you can't use the machine, stop fucking around with it and ask the agent for help.

Number Three: Don't get angry and start berating the agents or cursing the airline. We should all know by now that our air traffic is heavily congested, our air traffic control system woefully behind the times, and then, there is Mother Nature. If your flight is delayed, find the bar and have a drink. If you're on the plane and having to sit on the tarmac while they fix the bathroom (1hr delay on my last flight, and within 30 minutes they were serving us drinks), get out your book, or laptop, or fucking sleep. Getting on your cellphone to loudly announce to your friend that 'This fucking airline sucks' doesn't do anyone any good, and it makes you look like a complete ass. Yelling at the gate agent because your flight got fucked up just makes you look slightly psycho, as that agent is only there to help you.

Number Four: Finish your fucking phone calls BEFORE you get on the damn plane, and stop calling your friends the very minute your allowed to use your cell phone upon landing. I am so against the idea of airlines allowing cell calls during flight. Let's see, you had all kinds of time to make that call before you got on the plane, but for some reason, you need to call your buddy or your sister and say 'Well I'm on the plane now I'll see you soon!'. Fuck you. Nobody cares, not even your friend. They KNOW you are coming. You can call them in your car BEFORE you get to the airport and say 'Well, I'm at the airport so I'll see you soon!', and it's just as good, and doesn't annoy the other passengers having to listen to your asinine bullshit. And you fucking business types that think you're so important that you need to make that business call. Come the fuck on, if it was that important, you'd have already made that call. Let's not even talk about landings. As soon as that attendant says 'You may now use your cellular phones', a bunch of jackasses, who apparently don't know how to turn off the sound on their overpriced status symbols, need to call everyone and say 'Hey I just landed see you soon'! DUMBSHITS! You're going to see them in 5-10minutes if they're at the airport, and if they're not, WAIT UNTIL YOU FUCKING GET OFF THE PLANE. Nothing annoys me more on a flight that someone sitting next to me who needs to make phone calls at both ends. Thankfully, I have a pair of BOSE headphones that go on as soon as I sit, so at least I don't have to hear them anymore.

Number Five: You don't need to bring the kitchen sink on the plane. Yea I know, baggage handlers aren't the nicest when handling bags. I've seen mine thrown around, but that doesn't mean I'm afraid to pack my clothes in one. You get TWO bags on board. One luggage piece, that needs to fit in the overhead (and if you're flying on a CRJ, it better be a damn small bag) and a personal piece, like a purse or laptop bag. I personally think agents should start telling people that they see toting a bag they know is not going to fit that they have to check it, and not even let it go to security. They even have a device to measure your bag, that no one uses. I love it when they pull someone's bag and have to check it (ala Meet The Fockers). I have been flying on airplanes for over 30 years, and have only ever actually LOST one bag, and this was 23 years ago. I've had bags get misrouted, and quickly found and delivered to me at no charge, and I even get miles for the inconvenience. These days, with all the bar coding and checks, it's pretty slim they'll actually LOSE your 100$ jeans you bought. These oversize bags just crowd the aisle, take up valuable space in the cabin, and delay everyone from boarding that is behind you.

Number Six: Listen to the TSA person when he talks about fluids and removing your shoes. Anyone who is flying these days that doesn't know the rule for packing liquids over a certain volume has to be a complete idiot. Women, you don't need to bring every fucking bathroom item with you on the plane. You can wait a few hours to lotion up your hands, not to mention that the person next to you might not like the smell of your herbal scented crap. Men, next time I see one of you fuckers having to pull mouthwash out of your bag, I might break my own rule and blow a gasket. When they say your laptop has to come OUT of the bag, they mean it. When they say remove your shoes, do it. When it says you must remove video cameras, do it. Do it all AHEAD OF TIME, and save yourself the embarrassment of being a complete noob. Check the airline's website. All the rules for traveling will be there.

Flying these days can be tough, but if you follow these simple rules, you can make your flight, and everyone else's around you, easy and peaceful. Dress comfortably, be nice, realize that no one who you will talk to at the airport is God, and most of all, have a drink and loosen the fuck up!